Welcome to Doing It, a column where sex educator Varuna Srinivasan explores the deep connections between sex and emotions. This month, they speak with people in polycules about what this type of polyamorous relationship is really like.
If you are just now hearing the word “polycule” for the first time, you're not alone. Even I was quite unaware of this concept until a barrage of features on polycules (and the dynamics involved in them) took over The Discourse this year.
A polycule—a portmanteau of the word “poly,” meaning many, and “molecule,” referring to how a map of the different relationships in a polycule might resemble a diagram of the atomic bonds in a molecule—is a type of polyamory, though the term refers more to the dynamics outside of the sexual/romantic aspects of multi-partner relationships. While many polyamorous people keep their relationships with each partner separate, typically all members of a polycule are closely involved in each other’s lives, often even living in the same household.
Michelle Hy, polyamory expert and founder of the website Polyamorous While Asian, defines polyamory as the capacity to have multiple simultaneous intimate relationships and a polycule a way to vaguely refer to the web of these multiple relationships—both platonic and romantic. For example, say you have a boyfriend who has a girlfriend who has another partner. You would move from polyamory to polycule status if you are all regularly spending time together. While you wouldn't necessarily all be involved with each other romantically or sexually, all members of a polycule must be platonically involved to some extent.
A polycule usually involves at least three people, but there is technically no upper limit to how many people one can contain—the New York Times recently profiled a 20-person polycule. The most important thing is that everyone involved agrees on the group’s boundaries and dynamics.
Polycules often begin when two people who serve as each other's primary partners open their relationship to involve other people. Primary partners are usually those who are married, have children together, or have designated their relationship as the originating point from which a polycule is formed. Not all polycules have primary partners and, while many choose to use the word “primary” to describe one of their relationships, it doesn’t have to signify any type of relationship hierarchy.
Platonic Relationships in a Polycule
Beyond the various romantic and sexual relationships they maintain, members of a polycule are often quite involved in each other’s everyday lives. They can share child care duties, share housekeeping responsibilities, run errands for one another, and celebrate important milestones together.
Although polycules have been getting a lot of buzz in 2024, Hy confirms that this type of communal living is nothing new, particularly in the queer community. “Many queer folks co-create new families and communities outside of their families of origin and outside of some cishet norms,” she says. Additionally, while polyamory might not always be involved, there are many cultures where communal living is the norm. “Many people of color live or have lived in multigenerational households with large families,” Hy says.“These can look similar to some kitchen table-style polycules.”
While most platonic relationships within a polycule form organically—you might become close with your boyfriend’s girlfriend, but not as tight with that girlfriend’s other partner—kitchen table polycules refer to a type of network where every individual is required or encouraged to have a close relationship with one another. For instance, as the name implies, there might be one night a week reserved for the entire group to sit down for dinner together.
The Dynamics of Two Real-Life Polycules
Andrea, 41, lives in Houston and has six people in her polycule. Andrea has a romantic/sexual relationship with Brandon and David. In addition to Andrea, David also has a romantic/sexual relationship with Krystal and Matthew (individually, not together). Matthew has a romantic/sexual relationship with Nick and David (again, individually) and Brandon is only involved with Andrea.
In addition to the individual romantic and sexual relationships, Andrea says they are all close with one another platonically. “It goes beyond just friendship though,” she says. “The relationships between metamours [a partner of your partner who you're not romantically involved with] is a special type of intertwinement in our individual lives. They are all part of my chosen family.” For Andrea and her two partners, Brandon and David, a typical day involves going to work and splitting household responsibilities, including picking up her kids from school. Andrea and Brandon live together; David and his wife, Krystal, live together; and Mathew and Nick live in their own individual apartments. Though they don't live together, they try to make time to hang out in a group, while couples set aside a fixed time to have regular date nights; Andrea and David, for example, have a fixed date night every Friday.
Thirty-eight-year-old Jessica, her husband (Joe), their two kids and two other members in her polycule (Ash and Dr. M) live together under one household in Reno. After a couple of years of being in a monogamous relationship, Jessica and Joe decided to explore polyamory after meeting another polyamorous couple. They practiced poly exploration for a few years, going in and out of various relationships. In 2022, Joe met Ash online and, shortly after, she moved in. In January 2023, Jessica started dating Dr. M, who she also met online. Dr. M was staying at their place frequently before completely moving in a couple of months into their relationships. While all four members of the polycule now live together, Ash and Dr. M are not romantically or sexually involved.
The four members of the polycule share childcare duties for Jessica and Joe’s children, along with other household responsibilities. Outside of this polycule, Ash has another partner who also has a nested partner.
According to Joe, the group “likes to have evenings together as a family, eating, playing games, reading, or letting the kids play independently while we clean, or trade going on walks...provided it's not someone's date night.”
Navigating boundary setting, jealousy, and conflict in a polycule can be complex, but it ultimately depends on good communication and letting relationships unfold organically. While kitchen table style polyamory suggests that all members of the group should hang out regularly, Andrea encourages people not to force any type of interaction between metamours. But what about jealousy? Dr. M emphasizes that being in occasional conflict with one another is natural and that it can be resolved through vulnerable and non-violent communication.
“It is each person's responsibility to identify, name, and communicate their needs in the broader polycule system,” says Rel Friedman, PhD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in sex and relationships. “When all members take on that personal responsibility, so much room is freed up for intimacy and connection.”
How to Create or Join a Polycule
While there are many aspects that can look similar from one polycule to the next—communal living and co-parenting, for instance—the road to creating and living within one isn’t the same for every group. Everyone’s journey will be unique, but they all go beyond simply waking up one day and deciding you’d like to add a few more people to your relationship.
Before jumping into a polycule, Leanna Yau, a polyamory educator, recommends that previously-monogamous couples try polyamory that doesn’t involve cohabitation first. “If you both are open to dating other people, you could say that, at the moment, that your polycule is just yourself and your partner,” Yau says. You and your partner should be able to have consistent partners outside their primary relationship before deciding to create more intimate dynamics within the group.
Jessica and Joe spent nearly a decade experimenting with polyamory before finding a polycule dynamic that worked. Within their group, they spend a lot of time “dialoguing” with each other, as Ash puts it. Joe emphasizes that with more people, there’s just more to consider: more personal habits, preferences, and emotions to respect.
From there, if you and your primary partner are thinking of moving from a parallel polyamory type relationship (where all the relationships exist in parallel without involvement between members of those separate relationships) to a kitchen table-style polyamory, Yau encourages you to be open minded in your approach.
If you have too many rigid ideas about what a polycule “should” look like—for instance, one big happy family “where everyone loves each equally, lives together, and has a baby that they all raise," Yau says—it will make the process more difficult… and turn it into something of a chore. “This makes it harder to find someone since it’s quite restrictive and it sort of becomes more of a job interview than a request for connection,” Yau says. “The best thing to do is to be flexible and resilient while you look to build your polycule.”
If you are considering opening up your relationship or joining a polycule, know that it takes a lot of work on your part to work through conflict and contribute to the longevity of the relationships. Once in a polycule, you aren’t just in a relationship with your primary or secondary partner. You have an ongoing emotional or platonic relationship with everyone involved. In addition participating in household activities and potentially taking care of children, one has to be prepared to treat all of these relationships in an equitable manner.
As a group, it is vital that all members find time to touch base regularly, not just to do recreational things together but to bring potential issues while creating space for everyone to share and be heard.
And as Ash succinctly puts it: “Being in a polycule with such compassionate, caring, ambitious, and growth-mindset oriented people has helped me to learn how to prioritize my own goals and needs. I have learned that relationships should complement you, not complete you.”
Keep reading:
What It's Like to Try an Open Marriage After 10 Years of Monogamy
