Welcome to Doing It, a column where sex educator Varuna Srinivasan explores the deep connections between sex and emotions. This month, they dive into why so many women get turned on by dirty talk.
Throughout my 33 years of life, I’ve tried almost everything to get into the mood. Lube, foreplay, porn… they’re all great, but several years ago, an epiphany came to me in the form of Trent Reznor growling into the mic. “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails became the song I needed to push me over the edge, guaranteeing an orgasm every time. This revelation was (sex) life changing; since then, I’ve accumulated a bevy of songs with the same appeal.
Most people who’ve listened to music can attest to its power to induce strong emotions, a fact that’s been backed up by some studies. But it’s not only music that gets me going: A partner moaning or talking in a sultry tone also does the trick. I absolutely need my partner to communicate with me, to narrate the scene and, basically, tell me how hot I am and all the things they want to do to my body. The term for this auditory turn-on is sexual auralism, where one gets aroused or excited by sounds.
It is often referred to as a kink or fetish, meaning that for a lot of people (like myself) sound is an important part of their sexual experience. Could this explain why I like using blindfolds in bed so I can rely exclusively on my ears to carry me through to nirvana? Potentially! Kink or not, sound can be a vital part of sex and incorporating even a touch of theatrics could go a long way.
According to Elizabeth Perri, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist, “auditory cues that can play a role in sexual arousal include moaning, changes in breathing patterns, your partner’s voice, sensual sounds (e.g., kissing, licking, sucking), and verbal communication such as expressing desire and dirty talk.”
Jennifer Litner, PhD, a certified sex therapist, describes sounds as one of the key senses that can heighten arousal, especially for women. She theorizes that the preference for audio erotica over video could be due to the fact that much of mainstream porn is male-centric and can be off-putting because of the ways women's bodies are objectified in them. Plus, those clips don't leave much (if anything) to the imagination.
“Women may find audio erotica more appealing because it allows them to tap into their imagination and creativity more without negative feelings about objectification,” she adds. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that our gender determines the medium through which we find sexual gratification. It all depends on context and content. The good news: Anyone can get into dirty talk!
Dr. Perri encourages people to start simply by making noise in bed: think moaning, heavy breathing, and using other sounds which could eventually morph into single-syllable words such as yes and more. “These signal to your partner that you’re turned on,” she says. “From there, you can start describing what it is that you like. For example, ‘that feels so good,’ or ‘I love it when you touch me like that.’”
Dirty talk isn’t just dirty talk; it's vital feedback and communication. Telling your partner what you want to do to them and what you would like them to do to you is valuable information that can only make your sex lives better.
To get a better sense of just how much sounds play a role in getting us turned on, I interviewed 10 women who enjoy different types of noise in the bedroom. Below, they share what works best for them, plus their go-to sex songs (you might want to have Spotify on stand-by.)
Mina, 20, Egypt
Sounds are such a big factor for me. I think it is one of the biggest things that turns me on.
It is actually through my journey listening to erotica that I learned about my love for sounds during sex. When someone is whispering, moaning, or saying something directly in my ear so that I can experience the sound of moisture…honestly, it is SO hot!
When I need to get in the mood to masturbate, I sometimes just listen to the sounds of someone moaning! I have also used audio erotica with a partner before; we listened to it together on the train home. It’s such a fun way to spice things up.
Tara, 26, NYC
A huge part of attraction for me is someone's ability to tickle my brain, as I like to say. I like to know if my partner is turned on, more about what they enjoy and find sexy. Honestly it also stresses me out if i'm not sure what my partner is feeling. Even if it's not technically dirty talk, the minimum requirement is knowing my partner is turned on.
While I rely more on dirty talk and communication in bed, music is something I use to set the mood. I like “Mama Saturn,” “Can I,” and “Girl” for sultry, candlelight, bathtub, vibey vibes and “Girls Need Love” or “Exchange” for good ol' fucking!
Sunaina, 33, Atlanta
I think words of affirmations are one of my top love languages and dirty talk goes along with that. I do it with (almost) every intimate experience that I have. I really like dirty talk when it’s whispered, almost like ASMR in the ear. It helps get the rest of my senses in tune with the experience I am about to have. Also who doesn't like being called a "good girl" every now and then?!
I really enjoy ASMR whispering and listening to audios of other people’s masturbation noises while I masturbate too. I even have my partner send voice memos, it is so hot to be able to hear the auditory details of their masturbation!
And my go to sex song is “Kinky Reggae” by Bob Marley and The Wailers... it definitely turns me on!
SS, 30, Brooklyn
I do not rely solely on audio erotica, but I definitely do enjoy it. Audio can take you into a whole new world, set the scene. But music is always a nice way to mask sounds for privacy and to keep the energy flowing and moving. I tend to like something with a good beat or groove. “Love Language” by Juls and “Lemonade” by Ria Sean are songs that definitely put me in a mood.
Hearing my partner enjoy sex is a big turn on for me, as is hearing our bodies impact each other. I’m less verbal during sex; I prefer playing up the sounds of sucking, licking, playing, breathing more than using words.
I do love whispering in my partner’s ear and sending voice notes as foreplay hours (or even days) before we can have sex. I’ve been told I have a very sexy voice and get turned on by turning on my partner with my words if that does it for them. Nothing more than a whisper really: I want to be in their ear, a secret just between us.
Jenna, 36, Philadelphia
I deal with a lot of stress at work and home (we have a 3-year-old and 1-year-old) and I can sometimes be “in my head” during sex, you know, just thinking about random unsexy things. Dirty talk helps bring me into the present by focusing on and talking about what's physically happening.
While I love dirty talk, I don’t exclusively rely on audio erotica, though I have listened to it in the past. Now I just use those memories along with my imagination as fodder when I masturbate. In addition to that, I play massage type music (usually when I’m getting a sexy massage). My millennial ass also really just loves 2000s R&B like Ginuwine (IYKYK).
Jordan, 24, UK
Dirty talk is something I’ve found myself being into but I don’t indulge in it mainly due to a lot of my existing anxieties. I think dirty talk involves more trust and it takes a while for me to get there. But I will say that, while it isn’t important that every sexual encounter involves dirty talk, I do find that I am more easily turned on by it.
I rely more on music. I don’t like having sex with no music on. I sort of fancy Mark Knopfler’s voice, so some Dire Straits songs, like “Fade to Black,” are great. I think having music in the background eases my anxiety. And I think that this also plays into why I like dirty talk, because it eases any anxiety that I am not desirable at that moment.
Aishee Chowdhury, 29, Berlin
Dirty talk is not necessary for me to have a good time but it is a catalyst that enhances the experience of engaging in any sexual activity. I find that I really do have a better time when it’s involved.
I love it when someone whispers in my ears and tells me what they want to do to me, piece by piece, almost like a bit dramatic. And when the person moans back to me, it's also incredibly hot. I like hearing the words “give it to me,” “yes,” and straight up moaning as words of encouragement!
When I masturbate, I rely on erotic stories, sounds, and moans. And my go-to sex song is “Coffee” by Sylvan Esso.
AS, 34, New York
Dirty talk falls into the category of “nice to have but not necessary.” It adds to the intensity and it really does turn me on, which exponentially adds to my pleasure. You know, a bit of live action role play.
When it comes to audio erotica, I need that visual element as well, especially when I masturbate. The surest fire way for me to cum every time is to play a nostalgic piano track rather than a sexy song. For instance, the Amelie soundtrack: Whenever I listen to this while getting frisky, I feel like my partner is playing me like the piano!
Aakansha, 25, India
Healthy communication in the bedroom is a major turn, especially if your partner has a low, husky voice and is being politely authoritative.
I think dirty talking sets the tone and gives a great emotional and mental headspace to say stuff you normally might feel too shy to say. It brings out a lot of intimacy. The desire to obey or shower them with compliments at that particular moment is something I wouldn't trade for the world. Unfortunately I don't do it as much as I would like to but I find myself having a better time when it's involved.
In [the TV show] Never Have I Ever, there’s a scene where Paxton comes into Devi’s room one night and they kiss for the first time. “Fire for You” by Cannons is playing in the background. The first time I watched it, I thought, “OMG that song is the one.” It’s the only one that can spice up the mood all day, every day.
Recently I stumbled upon Quinn, which is an app for audio erotica and I am in love with it. Something about listening to a hot Irish guy telling you he wants you… it makes me giggle and also feel loved.
*Interviews have been edited and condensed for clarity.
Read more from Doing It:
My First Threesome Was Nothing Like What You See on TV
I Have a Fetish, and I Am Tired of Being Kink-Shamed For It
What It's Like to Try an Open Marriage After 10 Years of Monogamy
